Introduction to grief and its invisibility
Have you ever noticed a colleague seem distracted or unusually quiet at work? Or perhaps a neighbor who used to be friendly has become withdrawn? Maybe you’ve experienced a profound change in your own life that’s left you feeling lost or disconnected? These could all be signs of grief – an emotion that touches all of our lives, often in ways we don’t immediately recognize.
Grief isn’t just about the death of a loved one. It can stem from a divorce, the end of a long friendship, losing a job, or even moving to a new city. It’s the natural response to any significant loss or change in our lives. And here’s the thing: grief is all around us, often invisible to the casual observer.
Think about it. The barista who seems a bit off today might be dealing with a breakup. Your usually upbeat gym buddy could be struggling with the loss of a pet. That quiet new colleague? They might be grieving the life they left behind in another country.
Understanding grief – how it affects our brains, our bodies, and our behaviors – isn’t just for therapists or those in the midst of loss. It’s valuable knowledge for all of us. Because at some point, we’ll all experience grief, and we’ll certainly encounter it in others.
In this article, we’ll explore the science behind grief, debunk some common myths, and learn how to support ourselves and others through the grieving process. Whether you’re currently navigating a loss, supporting someone who is, or simply want to be better prepared for life’s inevitable challenges, this information is for you.
So, let’s pull back the curtain on this universal yet often misunderstood experience. By doing so, we can create a more compassionate world – one where we’re all a little more attuned to the invisible weights that we and those around us might be carrying.
Neurobiological aspects of grief
When we experience such a loss, our brain perceives it as a threat to survival, triggering protective mechanisms. The American Brain Foundation reports that this perception of threat activates our body’s stress response system, including the well-known fight-or-flight reaction and the less discussed freeze response.
In the fight-or-flight state, stress hormones flood our system, increasing heart rate and blood pressure. Our central nervous system becomes highly stimulated, preparing us to confront the perceived threat or flee from it. This state of high alert can leave us feeling anxious, restless, or unable to concentrate.
Conversely, the freeze response represents a “hypo” reaction, in contrast to the “hyper” fight-or-flight state. This can manifest as feeling numb, immobile, or disconnected from reality. Some people describe it as being “in a fog” – a state that Dr. Lisa M. Shulman explains as the brain’s attempt to dissociate from emotional pain.
These neurobiological changes can significantly impact our cognitive functions. Grief can disrupt memory, decision-making, attention, and information processing speed. Activity in the prefrontal cortex, responsible for rational thinking and executive function, may decrease. Meanwhile, activity in the emotion-processing limbic system increases, potentially leading to mood swings or emotional outbursts.
During these heightened emotional states, we’re more susceptible to what psychologist Daniel Goleman terms “amygdala hijack.” The amygdala, part of the limbic system responsible for processing emotions, can override our rational thinking brain. This can result in intense, sometimes disproportionate emotional reactions that can last anywhere from a few minutes to several hours.
The Invisible Grief of Men
While grief affects everyone, men often face unique challenges that can make their suffering less visible and potentially more isolating. Societal expectations play a crucial role in shaping how men experience and express grief. From an early age, many men are conditioned to be “strong” and stoic in the face of adversity, including loss. This expectation of emotional restraint can lead to the suppression of feelings, creating a facade of coping that masks deep, unresolved pain.
Unlike women, who often find themselves surrounded by support networks during times of grief, men are frequently left to grapple with their struggles in isolation. Social circles tend to rally around women’s emotional needs, while men are expected to “handle it” on their own. This disparity in social support can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and abandonment during an already challenging time.
The difficulty many men face in articulating their emotions compounds this issue. Years of societal conditioning can make it challenging for men to find the words to express their grief or to ask for the help they desperately need. This struggle to communicate emotional pain can lead to a sense of disconnection from others and from their own feelings.
Research has shown a stark gender difference in how men and women cope with losses, particularly relationship breakdowns. A study by Kposowa (2003) found that divorced men were more than eight times more likely to die by suicide than divorced women. This alarming statistic underscores the critical need for better support systems and more open dialogue about men’s emotional health.
Complicated or Prolonged Grief
While most people eventually adapt to loss, a significant minority experience what mental health professionals now recognize as Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD). This condition, officially included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR) in 2022, is characterized by a persistent and pervasive longing for the deceased or a preoccupation with memories that significantly impairs daily functioning.
Dr. Katherine Shear, a professor of psychiatry at Columbia University and a leading expert on complicated grief, describes PGD as “like being in an ongoing state of mourning that doesn’t ease up.” Individuals with PGD often experience intense emotional pain, difficulty accepting the loss, and a sense that life is meaningless without the loved one.
Key symptoms of Prolonged Grief Disorder include:
To be diagnosed with PGD, these symptoms must persist for at least 12 months after the loss (6 months for children) and significantly impair social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. The prevalence of PGD is estimated to be around 7-10% of bereaved individuals, though rates can be higher in certain populations or following particular types of losses. For instance, the sudden or violent death of a loved one, the loss of a child, or losses in individuals with a history of mental health issues or limited social support may increase the risk of developing PGD. Neurobiologically, individuals with PGD show distinct patterns of brain activity. Research using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) has revealed heightened activity in the nucleus accumbens, a region associated with reward processing, when viewing pictures of the deceased. This suggests that the grief process in PGD may involve addiction-like mechanisms, where thinking about the lost loved one activates reward centers in the brain. Moreover, PGD is associated with a range of negative health outcomes. Studies have shown that individuals with PGD are at higher risk for sleep disturbances, substance abuse, cardiovascular problems, and suicidal ideation. The chronic stress associated with prolonged grief can lead to dysregulation of the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, potentially explaining some of these physical health risks. Fortunately, effective treatments for PGD have been developed. Complicated Grief Treatment (CGT), a specialized form of psychotherapy, has shown promising results. This treatment, developed by Dr. Shear and colleagues, combines elements of cognitive-behavioral therapy, interpersonal therapy, and motivation enhancement. It aims to help individuals process the reality of the loss, manage painful emotions, and restore a sense of meaning and purpose in life. Understanding PGD is crucial not only for mental health professionals but for society at large. Recognizing the signs of PGD can help individuals seek appropriate help and support. It also underscores the need for continued grief support well beyond the immediate aftermath of a loss, as PGD often doesn’t become apparent until months after the death. As we navigate grief, whether our own or others’, it’s important to be aware of the possibility of PGD. While grief is a natural and necessary process, prolonged and debilitating grief may require professional intervention. By understanding and acknowledging PGD, we can better support those who are struggling with loss and ensure they receive the help they need to heal and adapt. Despite these challenges, the human brain shows remarkable resilience and adaptability in the face of loss. As we grapple with grief, our brain undergoes significant changes. Dr. O’Connor describes this process as a form of learning, explaining, “After we experience something as difficult as our one and only passing away, we really have to figure out: How do I live in the world now?” This learning process involves the formation of new neural pathways and the strengthening or weakening of existing connections. It’s through this neuroplasticity that our brain adapts to a new reality without the lost person or object. However, this adaptation takes time and can be emotionally taxing. The American Brain Foundation reports that about 60% of individuals show resilience in the face of loss. For some, this process of adaptation can even lead to positive changes, such as increased empathy and altruism. This concept of post-traumatic growth reminds us that while grief changes us, it can also cultivate resilience and personal development. Supporting Someone Through Grief: Given the complex neurobiological processes at play, how can we best support those who are grieving? Dr. O’Connor emphasizes the importance of presence over attempts to “cheer up” someone who is grieving. She notes, “I think for many grieving people that feels even more alienating. I’m already having a difficult time experiencing what I am experiencing, and now there’s a disconnect if I’m supposed to act as though I feel okay or as though what you’re saying has made everything okay in the world again.” Instead, the grieving brain needs space to process loss. Here are some ways to provide support:
Grief is a natural, albeit challenging, part of the human experience. By understanding its neurobiological aspects and the unique ways it can manifest across genders and demographics, we can approach our own grief and that of others with greater compassion. As we navigate life, let’s remember that grief is often invisible and that cultural norms may influence how individuals express their grief. In our daily interactions, let’s carry the awareness that anyone we encounter might be experiencing grief. This understanding can transform our communities, workplaces, and relationships, creating a more empathetic and supportive world for all. By fostering a society more open to discussing and acknowledging grief, regardless of gender or cultural background, we create space for healing and connection in the face of loss. Let us commit to being more aware, more supportive, and more understanding of the invisible weight that many carry. In doing so, we not only help others but also create a more compassionate world for ourselves when we inevitably face our own losses.
The Resilience of the Grieving Brain
Conclusion
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