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An unpretentious story about some of the more grandiose characters in my industry – the Art Director

Published on August 20, 2013

For generations, being employable in the professional world has always meant the individual must meet certain standards of professional dress and conduct. In the advertising industry, there is a unique group immune to convention. They are individuals who belong to an elite club who aren’t tied to the norms of corporate America. Their clout derives from the mystique required for membership into this exclusive society. They are known as Art Directors.

So who is the Art Director? In a nutshell, he (or she) is the person responsible for the look and feel of creative materials produced for varying businesses that need to achieve a marketing objective. They are usually adept at the required skills for the position such as choosing color schemes, typefaces, foils, and specifying unusual paper stocks that are typically available only through mill order. They are infallible, and work independently with no need for outside intervention until the time arrives to pawn a job off to lesser minions. During conversation—should you be so lucky—you should yield to these intellectuals’ pontifical views on religious, social, or political topics. They aggrandize their rank with quiet confidence as they walk to the podium to accept an award at the annual advertising award competition. They are rare, distinctive, and whose personal sense of style is exceptionally superior to the bourgeois lackeys down the hall. However, this alone cannot paint a veracious picture of this connoisseur of boutique sophistication. For that, it takes a detailed analysis of the characteristics that make this individual dress in their esteemed role as a creative mind.

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It is important to understand who the Art Director is. Most people who work at an advertising agency have understood that working with the Art Director requires an element of tolerance and understanding that seldom required with other positions. If you have ever thought, “That clown is a freak of nature,” then you are not far from the truth. They’re different. It’s what they want. They don’t want to be you. They are known for being eccentric beyond their weekend consumption of modish beer and dinkie dow, and because of this, they have been given degree of latitude in the workplace as typical as the uniform they wear – the plaid shirt. Just ask what indie band they are currently listening to – I guarantee you have never heard of them. Art Directors are the rare professionals who prefer to emulate Charles Manson rather than Charles Schwab. Their efforts to appropriate the proper traits to achieve the disheveled look of squalor exemplified by Happy Gilmore’s golf caddy are unmatched as a norm in any other industry.

I’ve been fortunate to know many of these characters, and they are exceptionally gifted creative people. Full membership into this association is not easily attained. However, there is good news! If you desire to become a part of this secret underground society and you do not have the time to carefully craft the features necessary to adopt this rank, a line of illusory products available exclusively on this web site have been developed and packaged together for your convenience to help the average peon emulate this idiosyncratic personage.


This new product line will help anyone gain membership into this enviable group. It is a collection of exclusive products that give the most banal cretin the help they need to be a part of this chic clique. From fashion to fragrance, Art Director Brand products give authenticity to your personal image so that anyone can wield the power that can only come from true Art Director prowess.


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Nothing makes an Art Director (or any creative staff member) more distinctive, persuasive and wise than a face full of thick, coarse man fur. Your man bristles scream credibility as you sway the opinion of the brainstorming session. You are the artist and the marauder, the poet and the pirate. And you wear your whiskers with pride!

No feature in the Art Director’s image arsenal is more powerful and distinctive than a voluminous beard that would be the envy of any Scandinavian patriarch. But why even have one? Because they can! Nothing screams dismissal of professional etiquette more than the middle-fingered salute of insolence, and that is just what your beard does. The beard is that symbol of unrivaled individuality and unsurpassed creativity. So pop the top off a tall cold one and be prepared to be in awe of the dominance that lies before you.

Here is your chance to wield that same authority with Art Director’s Instant Beard In a Cup. Whip this crass sheet of facial hair onto your puss and become the boorish beard bag of the creative department you were destined to be. Art Director products are designed to instantly transform your feeble sense of fashion into the Herculean savvy that only today’s true art directors possess.


The slick feel of your wavy locks shows your pursuit of perfection with glistening reflections from rays of twilight like a man in love with a Swan. You wake with ethereal tresses that whisper aspirations for the freedom to live in the womb of Mother Earth. Go ahead. Be the envy of every man.

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You are at the pinnacle of style. You do not get your hair cut with mere stylist at some two-bit salon. You are the art director! A person with this righteous magnificence will only visit an atelier! Your personal brand is at the forefront of the office, and it is in a class of its own thereby condemning the plebian commoners to the ridicule of the in-crowd.

Art Director Brand Hair Grease is soothing blend of Suinae lipids and natural petroleum derivatives to gives you that sleek look without the annoying frizz delivering silky hair that shines. It helps protect against heat damage and it enhances hair’s moisture. This swanky product is NLGI Class GC rated, and it will give your hair the look and feel it needs to show those mere occupants of the studio that your locks are the industry standard of fashion-forward thinking.


Have you ever seen a creative staff member not wear plaid? There’s a reason for that. Plaid is the creative’s attire of choice. The uniform. The regalia of innovative thought.

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However, that is not the purpose for plaid. Agency creatives are inventors of style. They wear plaid because they are individuals with their own unique identity that no one else has. That’s right, no one. It may sound strange, but reflect on those who wear the tormented suit, the lame Polo with an unwieldy name tag, or the OSHA-required protective gear. They are not the feeble proles who need to pour their heart and souls into their mundane laborious tasks for the meager beans they are rewarded with.

Now you can also wear the apparel of the non-conformist and carry with it the full authority of condemnation toward the corporate sell-out. When you wear a plaid shirt, you can now have a disdain for the common working-class.


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These ear plugs are designed to offer the highest level of noise reduction from pesky production mangers who are less concerned with aesthetics and prefer to get “that damn project outta here.” They are recommended for noise levels up to 105 dBA which make them perfect for any production meeting where you need to tune out any voices that are not already in your head.

These are the perfect reusable ear plug, and they are an effective solution for most high noise environments. They are exactly what you need for group meetings where safety compliance checks and job status updates are regularly made. The special grip at the end of the plug stem make insertion and removal simple. The extra-soft material provides all-day comfort, gently sealing the ear canal for serious protection without excessive pressure—from anyone.


Enhance the atmosphere of any room quickly with our Art Director Bathroom Fragrance. Add an artfully designed scent with warmth as you infuse the air with your own personal fragrance. It’s small, not because it’s concentrated, but you really don’t need much in a world where you know your shi- shi- shi- attitude don’t stink. You are a creative mind! You are a breath of fresh air, and you smile big as you walk through the halls knowing it is swell to be this perfect AND odor-free.

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Simply spritz a small amount in any room to give the room a burst of fragrance that’s always right at hand. Our fragrance comes in a stylish pump that allows you to squeeze and release a long-lasting, fine mist of fragrance. The gentle mist creates layers of true-to-life fragrance that open up note-by-note, eliminating odors and freshening the air.

Our Bathroom fragrance is made from natural capsaicin extracts so you can keep that alpha male feeling with a long-lasting, continuous fragrance that’s perfect for any room in the home, office or even the car.

This is my satirical view about the hilarious habits people have in the advertising industry. This is not to be taken seriously. It’s just a way to have some fun.